Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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