When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
