i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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