If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
