Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
