Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We need to get me chipped asap
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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