Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
