if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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