I think im going to throw up on grandma
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
