i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
