Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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