Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
