My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Please, let me fuck your mom
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
