I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
