sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
