The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize