HIV tests are more positive than that guy
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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