I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
