Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
