he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Randomize
