i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
