I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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