this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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