he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
