awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Shame - the story of my life.
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