im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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