Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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