Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
