haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
