"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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