If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
