If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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