I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
