Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
