i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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