i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize