i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
