my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
COCAINE IS GR8
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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