we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
