Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize