I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
