if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
