Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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