I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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