i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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