I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
