So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
