The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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