You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
