Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
