Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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