how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
