did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My ass is underappreciated
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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