bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
