i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
