I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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