We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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