I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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