I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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