You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
