I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
