Your tits are I can't wait for
I think I won the penis lottery.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
