for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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