tonight lets celebrate not being married
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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