she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
